The Awakening of Aphrodite

    Kate Chopin's, The Awakening, begins and ends at a seaside resort on Grand Isle. It is here, in the nearby magical waters of the Gulf, that Edna Pontellier's sleeping inner self awakens, transforming her into the powerful goddess of love and art, Aphrodite.  It is also at Grand Isle where the goddess is borne back into the sea at the novel's end.  The nearby Gulf is used to express the mysticism and wonder that accompanies the resurrection of Aphrodite and her attempt to find paradise.
    Although Edna does not "awaken" (that is to say, Aphrodite does not rise from the foamy depths) until her moonlit midnight swim, there is much foreshadowing to this phenomenal event ghroughout the novel by the use of water imagery.  Within the first few chapters of the book , the importance of the Gulf is obvious.  It is during a walk along the beach, where "the voice of the sea is seductive; never ceasing, whispering, clamoring, murmuring, inviting the soul to wander for a spell in abysses of solitude," that Edna begins "to realize her position in the universe as a human being." At this point, however, Edna is only bewildered by her thoughts and the "voice of the sea [which] speaks to the soul." [Chapter VI]
    During her conversation with Adele Ratignolle, Edna first begins to loosen her guard of reserve that always enshrouds her. Appropriately, this talk, in which Edna describes her search for meaning, also takes place next to the ocean.  Edna makes the connection between the endless stretch of water before her and a summer day from her childhood in Kentucky.  She remembers when she walked, as if swimming, through "a meadow that seemed as big as the ocean...beating the tall grass as one strikes out in the water." [Chapter VII]  Here, Edna is beginning to associate and compare her childhood, a time when she was free, to her present state of social entrapment.  Perhaps she also recognizes, if only subconsciously, the complete freedom available to her in the blue expanse of the sea.
    The obvious oceanic imagery is continued when Edna experiences an emotional upheaval while listening to Mademoiselle Reisz play Chopin" "The very passions themselves were aroused withing her soul, swaying it, lashing it as the waves daily beat upon her splendid body."  This description is a prelude to Edna's following baptismal swim.  It is her reaction to the music that puts into motion her subsequent transformation.
    Following Mademoiselle Reisz's performance, someone suggests a bath in the Gulf "at that mystic hour and under the mystic moon."  It is during this magical dip that Edna completes her awakening and emerges into the woman she truly is. Edna's moment of truth coincides with her discover of how to swim, which obviously symbolic of her self-reliance and independence.  The fact that her premier swim takes place in the waters of the Gulf places her in the magical element of absolute freedom that baptizes her and allows the transformation into the child she was as the arisen Aphrodite.
    The traditionally female mythical associates of moonlight and water enhance the atmosphere into Aphrodite is born.  Once Edna awakens, she begins swimming "as is some power of significant import had been given her" and she aspires "to swim far out, where no woman had swum before."  Edna swims away from her husband and her old life into a female paradise where there is the "heavy perfume of a filed somewhere near" and the waves breaking the beach "in little foamy crests like slow, white serpents."  This paradise seems to depend on the reversal of conventional theological images.  While remembering her childhood, Edna remembers "running away from prayers." She was running away from patriarchal theology and into the open wildness of feminine nature.  Edna's experience expands as she learns not to run but to swim.  Chopin's Aphrodite is born of the sea and born specifically because the colony where she comes to consciousness is essentially a women's colony, run by a single woman and dominated by the mother-women.  It is situated outside of patriarchal culture, beyond the limits and limitations of the city where men rule.
    Although Robert does not know what Edna has experienced during her swim, he tells her of the very spirit that has risen from the Gulf and transformed her into the goddess of love.  It is at this time, during their walk back to the cottages after quitting the midnight bath, that their relationship changes. Robert begins playing Adonis to her Venus as they sit on the porch and fall into an erotic silence.
    The Aphrodite imagery is continued at Edna's dinner party.  This is her most authentic act of self-definition; she actually plays the part she has metaphorically become.  It is this Last Supper at which takes place the final transformation of will and desire into bread and wine, flesh and blood.
    Edna sits enthroned at the head of the table.  She wears a crown-like jewel and a gown of gold and lace the color of her skin.  Her whole appearance and attitude suggest something regal; she is "the one who rules, who looks on, who stands alone." [Chapter XXX]  Ironically, Victor later says that "Venus could have presented no more entrancing a spectacle than Mrs. Pontellier, blazing with beauty and diamonds at the head of the board." [Chapter XXIX]  Edna presides over a table covered in pale yellow under lace, heaped with red and yellow blooming roses and lit by candles under yellow silk shades in massive brass candelabra.  Gold, silver, and crystal cover the table and add to the richness of the setting.  The whole room has the air of a pagan celebration, a feast of the gods.
    However, in Robert's absence, it is Victor who is crowned Adonis.  Mrs. Highcamp weaves a garland of roses and places them atop Victor's black curls, transforming him into the vision of a sensual god.  It is this impersonation and then Victor's singing of Robert's song that seems to stir Edna into practicing her godly powers that bring the party to an end.
    The dinner party is Edna's only real noble act before the inevitable betrayal by a culture in which a regenerated Aphrodite had no meaningful role.  Edna can think of only one way "to elude" a society that keeps trying to put her back in her proper domestic place.  She answers the seductive voice of the sea that calls her to lose herself in its "mazes of inward contemplation" and promises a sensuous touch that will enfold her body in a soft close embrace. [Chapter VI]  Edna returns to Grand Isle for a last suicidal swim.  She divests herself "the unpleasant, prickling garment" of her old life as a "real" woman--a wife, mother, and mistress--and stands "naked under the sky!...like some newborn creature, opening its eyes in a familiar world that it had never known."  However, Edna's last swim is not a true suicide; they "foamy wavelets [that curl and coil] like serpents about her ankles" tell us she is not journeying toward death, or even rebirth, but toward an imaginary world beyond the restrictive culture--a world in which women might be as free as the mythical Aphrodite.  Edna swims away from the white beach of Grand Isle, from the empty summer colony and the equally empty fictions of marriage and maternity.  She swims not into death but into her own life, back into her childhood.  Edna is still swimming in the last sentence, swimming toward the pagan paradise where "there [is] the hum of bees, and the musky odor of pinks [fills] the air." [Chapter XXXIX]  Defeated, even crucified, by the "reality" of nineteenth century New Orleans, Chopin's resurrected Venus returns to the watery paradise from whence she came.

Make It Work

I am noticing more and more that I'm turning into my mother.  I say something to my kids and can hear her voice in my head as the words come out of my mouth.  And I'm okay with that!

I got further evidence that I'm very much like her this morning.  I got home from dropping Miles off at school and decided to prune the tree in the front yard.  I lopped-off what I could and, when I couldn't find the pruning saw, I used a flat, double bladed Japanese saw used for cutting joinery flush (or something like that).  It got the job done, but only after one smashed finger and a knick on my hand from the blade. 

My mother has had, and taught me, the "make it work" philosophy long before Tim Gunn ever thought of it.  If there's a job you want done, do it.  Don't have what you need?  Get it, or make something else work.  If you have the wrong tool, but it works, use it.  Get the job done.  And do it well. 

We did a lot of projects over the years.  We built stairs off her back deck; tore out a wall in her laundry room; replaced a tub, several sinks, and many toilets; hung drywall; laid tile; tore out wallpaper; hung wallpaper; and painted gallons and gallons of paint.  And that's just the home-improvement stuff. 

And we've had numerous personal injuries!  Fell off ladders, smashed fingers, smashed shin, black eye, wood spinters shot into fingers at high velocity, finger caught in blower... I'm sure there are more.  (I KNOW there are more!)  But, in the end, we healed and the job got done. 

Now, I'd like to climb on the roof and prune another tree, but John probably won't let me.  But that's another blog post.

Admonishment

This is actually John's story, but I felt it needed to be posted.

Elise was playing with her "friends" (plush Mickey, Minnie, Daisy, Donald, Goofy and Pluto) in the living room the other day and had them sitting on the sofa.  Miles came in and sat down next to them.  Elise commenced yelling at him, telling him he was not allowed to sit next to her friends.  John told her that Miles was allowed to sit on the sofa, and if she didn't want her brother to sit by her friends, she'd have to move them.  So she did.  While she was moving them over to a chair, Miles started kicking Donald.  This, of course, didn't go over very well with his little sister.  She began yelling "NO!" at him and telling him to stop.  Then she said, "This is why you don't have any friends!"

Progeny

Before John and I got married, we talked about having kids. Neither of us were spring chickens when we met, so we knew we didn't have a lot of time to put off parenthood. I told him that I only wanted 2, which he was fine with, but he said I should know that they would look like him. He told me that all of his brothers' and sister's children look alike. I told him that was fine, because I liked the way he looked.

Then along came Miles. I just figured he'd look like a Richardson, so I didn't think too much about it. I didn't think he looked a whole lot like me or John, but he was a baby; who can tell? He had ears that poked out and that were soft and covered in fuzz. He definitely had John's hands and feet. They're like little miniatures of his father's. His eyes were dark blue for several months. I almost thought he'd get John's beautiful blue eyes, but they slowly got darker and darker. You couldn't really even call them hazel anymore. They're brown.

He certainly didn't act anything like John. John is quiet, very even tempered, reserved, and thoughtful. Miles is very, very talkative, impulsive, and has a short little fuze. Miles is, however, very smart, just like his dad. (Yes, I'm smart, too. But these two are freaky smart.)

When we had Elise, I couldn't see that she looked much like Miles when he was a baby. She and Miles did both sort of look Enuit when they were born. I don't know why that is. She is a mini-me. She has my build, my hands and feet, and my hair. I dare anyone to say they hate their body when they see it in the 2-year-old miniature version of their child! She has my facial expressions. I know what she's thinking because I can see it on her face.

In fact, because I've been thinking that Elise looks like me and Miles looks like John it really came as a surprise to me the other day when I changed my facebook profile picture to one of me when I was about 8. That's when it hit me. Miles looks like me!!

I can't find a picture of him smiling. He's more like his father that way.

And these are the Richardson children. (Charlie Jr., Graham, and Emily are missing from this photo.)

Migraines

I got what I thought was my first migraine when I was pregnant with Elise. I ended up with three during my pregnacy with her. They were each three days long and absolutely horrible and caused me to vomit if I moved too much. There was nothing I could do except lie down with an ice pack on my head. These were, by far, the worst migraines I've ever had, but upon reflection, I realized that I'd had a few others in my life, starting when I was about 9.

Recently, they've revved up the frequency. Again, I'm nearing 40 and I have the hormones that go along with that. It actually took me a while to realize that what I was having were migraines. I just thought they were bad headaches that wouldn't go away until I went to sleep. But sometimes they didn't go away and I would wake up with the same pain. I figured out some of the things that would trigger one, and sometimes they would just be the harbinger of my impending period.

I talked to my doctor and he prescribed Maxalt, the same medication my mother and sister take for their migraines. 12 pills cost $350. That's enough to bring on a migraine, but worth it if it makes the pain go away.

So, I do what I can to eliminate triggers. When I started working out I was getting several heachaches a week. I didn't know if it was from over-excercising, not drinking enough water, not eating enough, or what. I finally figured out that every time I did the overhead press, I'd get a headache. Apparently, if I strain my neck and shoulder muscles, that strain escalates up the back of my neck and over the top of my head. I stopped using that machine and the headaches stopped.

Racer-back jog-bras put pressure on my neck muscles and make my head hurt. I wear two at a time, so that only doubles the tension. It's hard to find a well-supporting sports bra that doesn't have a racer back, and I can't afford to replace all of mine in one go, so I only wear them for the duration of the workout.

Headbands of any kind are out of the question. Ponytails are okay for several hours, but not all day.

I have to make sure my task chair is at a good height, or I end up craning my neck and, you guessed it, getting a migraine.

And now the update on the CrossFit class I did last night:
It kicked my ass. Warm up included 3 rounds of 20 squats, lunges, and pushups. The main workout consisted of 5 rounds off 330 meter sprints, 30 wall balls (tossing a weighted ball straight up at a wall, squating, and tossing it up again), and 30 box jumps (I stepped up). Then we wrapped it all up with a core workout of 2 rounds of 50 leg lifts and 30 knees to elbows (hanging from a bar and pulling your knees up to your elbows.) Well. I'm not going to give a blow-by-blow of how many I actually finished of each set or how long it took me, but I did make it through 5 rounds. And I had a pretty rocky start. We had warmed up with the lunges and squats and then started the run. Well, my quads apparently didn't like the idea and completely gave out. I fell on my 2nd step. I've never had a muscle refuse to cooperate before and it was rather disconcerting! I got up and started again, slowly.

About 20 minutes after finishing, I felt the migraine starting. I tried stretching, I tried a hot shower, I tried ice, I tried ibuprofen. After 3 hours I took a Maxalt.

I'm pretty sure it was the wall balls that did it. I had to look up while pushing the ball up over my head, which is just not a good position for me.

So, now I have to decide if I want to try CrossFit again with modifications, or if I want to stick to and intensify my normal workout. Both before and after last night's workout, I was emotionally prepared to begin working my way up to 5 days-a-week of CrossFit training. Even though I struggled to get through the class, I did it, and I know I would improve. I could modify the workout so that I'm not doing things like Wall Balls. I honestly don't know how many other excercises involve raising my arms over my head, but I have to think it's several if not many. That's also assuming that the arms-over-head was the only contributing factor to the migraine. The CrossFit is $70/month or $3.50 a class (in addition to gym membership) but the Maxalt is $30/pill. And finally, the calorie burn. Taking into account that we continue to burn calories after a workout I looked at a 3 hour time span. During last night's work out and the two hours that followed, I burned 644 calories. During a relatively low-intensity workout on the eliptical and a short weight lifting session and the two hours that followed, I burned 840 calories. Other days I burned as many as 940.

So. It looks like I made my decision. I thought I needed someone to kick my butt, and maybe I still do. However, I'm going to have to find another way that does not make me feel like there's an ice pick in my temple and a vice grip on my neck.

And Then There's All That Weight To Be Lost

I've tried to stop thinking of myself as a fat girl, because, well, we are what we think. But, I've had a weight issue since I was 18. Most women gain the Freshman 15, I gained 30. It's been a constant struggle for me to lose it. When I ended my first marriage I got happy and managed to drop 40 pounds. I felt pretty good, but I still wasn't at an ideal weight at 160. I very slowly put about 20 pounds back on over the next 5 years. Then I got pregnant. I had Pregnancy Induced Hypertension with both pregnancies and had to go on medication with Elise. Everyone says breastfeeding will help you lose the baby weight. Well, it might have if I hadn't been eating like a 400 pound man the whole time. I could eat huge amounts of food and still be hungry. So, surprise! I was FAT. And my blood pressure was high. I started taking blood pressure medication in Nov. of 2010. In January, 2011, I started going to the gym. I took all sodium out of my diet, started eating healthy, and doing everything I could find to help lower my blood pressure. My March 2011, I had to go off the medication because my blood pressure was so low I was getting dizzy! I lost 45 pounds by October, 2011. And then the holidays started. John was gone a lot at that time and I saw that as an excuse to eat easy meals, which meant fast food. It's embarrassing how much fast food and crap we ate between October and December. It was enough to pack more weight on that I care to calculate. I was back up to 200 pounds. And I'm still there. The last two months have been tough. I have improved our diet at home and we stopped eating fast food. I have still had the occasional binge, however. I'd eat a pint of ice cream in one sitting. I ate so many Hershey Hugs in February that I don't even want anymore!

In the past 2 weeks I have resumed my gym habit. I have been resisting temptations tracking what I eat. The weight will come off. I just have to stay on track. I want to be healthy and fit. My dream goal is to hit 140 by 40. It's a little far fetched, but it sounds good. My actual goal is to improve my health, for the fat to shrink and to improve my muscle tone. Everything else will just be lagniappe.

I'm trying a CrossFit class tonight with my friend, Allie. I'll update on how that goes, assuming I'll be able to move my fingers to type.

Married Single Mom

I mentioned that I'm married to John. We've been married 7 years and I love him more every day. Seriously. I am so happily married it's ridiculous. We're quite smug about it, too. Not openly, of course. We were both married to other people once, so we know what the other side looks like. We prefer it where we are. Everyone always says that marriage is hard work. We say, if you have to work that hard you're probably married to the wrong person. We have it very, very easy. And for that I am eternally grateful.

His job, however, makes me crazy. Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful for the fact that his has one! He likes doing what he does and it certainly pays the bills and allows me to stay home with the kids. But. It takes him away from home a LOT. This past year has been the worst of the four years he's had this job. He has been home exactly 21 days in the last 5 months. That's all. We talk on the phone at least once every day and we Skype once-a-week. (Thank God for Skype!) But we miss him terribly.

So, I sometimes feel like a single mother. Granted, I think most single moms have to have jobs, so I do have the benefit of an income. But the doing everything myself gets to be pretty wearing. Being the only one responsible for these two little lives 24/7 takes its toll some days.

But, I'm not complaining. I miss my family and the support system I had in Georgia, but I'll get into that more later. For now, we have it mostly figured out. We have a schedule and a routine that keeps us busy and that keeps me mostly sane. Miles is in school all day and Elise goes to pre-school three days a week until 1pm. I am able to schedule appointments and get errands done without two kids in tow. And I'm able to have some time to myself, which is, honestly, priceless. Now, if John's current schedule continues into the summer, I may be singing a different tune. The one the cuckoo bird sings.