Forty

I'm 39. 40 isn't right around the corner, it's dead ahead. I'm staring down the barrel and 40 is pulling the trigger. Yeah, that's a little dramatic. I know, I know. I'm not dying, 40 is just a number, lots of people have turned 40 and they continue to live lovely lives. But I don't feel FORTY. And it really isn't so much that I think 40 is 0ld. It isn't. I just don't feel IT. Although I'm not really sure how IT is supposed to feel, so maybe I do.

I suppose I'm what's referred to as a "late bloomer." I didn't consider this because, well, I "bloomed" physically before most girls did. But, I spent my 20's trying to figure out who I was. ALL of my 20's. I had a failed marriage, I got an undergraduate degree I'll never use, I started a graduate degree that I'll never finish, and got another degree: A BFA in Interior Design. I fully intended to put that one to good use. Then I fell in love and started a family.

I didn't meet my husband, John, until I was almost 30. Like a month before. (My mother said I'd meet him before I turned 30 and she was right.) I was still in school and honestly wasn't looking for a relationship. But, well, you know how that goes. We got married a year before I finished school and I was pregnant with Miles (barely) when I graduated. We had Miles when I was 33 and Elise 3 days before I turned 36. I never wanted to put my kids in daycare. It was something John and I discussed before we got married and we agreed that I would take care of our children. So, I always knew that my career would be put on hold until the children were school aged. This is something my brain and being understood. When Elise starts kindergarten or perhaps in preschool several days a week, I would be able to start doing some designing. I figured she'd be about 5 when I would have the time to work.

What I didn't realize, what my brain and being did not process, was how old I was going to be when she turns 5. I know that's silly. I know how old I was when I had her. It should follow that I know how old I'll be at any age in her life. Well, there was a definite gap there. In fact, I'm still not entirely sure how old I'll be when Elise starts kindergarten. (Okay... She was born in Nov. '08 and can start kindergarten the August before she turns 6, which will be... '14, which is 2 1/2 years from now, which is the year I turn 42.) 42. (Isn't that the answer to the meaning of life?)

I will be 42 before I can start my career. Wow. This is going to take some getting used to. Maybe 40 won't so bad.